Before my experience with ayahuasca, I was in a bad way. I was highly suicidal, and felt useless to this world, I didn’t want to be around. Was in constant pain, was always angry. I was a hermit closed off, didn’t know how to hold a conversation. Didn’t trust civilians. I couldn’t sleep at night unless someone was awake. I was literally within days of taking my own life. I had the means, and I had a plan. My battle buddy [Brad Abbot] had actually called me and talked me out of doing it because he had a new way of healing. I was very skeptical of the whole ordeal, but at that time I was willing to try anything. I was tired of all the pills and the self medicating I was doing. He had explained the ceremony to me and I was not really convinced. I had almost cancelled on him, but he came and picked me up to take me to my first ceremony.

My first day/night, (13Mar20), I honestly did not want to be there. I was very guarded, uncomfortable, scared and angry. I clammed up and didn’t want to talk to anybody. I was anxious, nervous and excited. The atmosphere was calm, and the earth people reassured me and spoke calmly “ this is a safe space, no judgement here. We just want to help you.” That was a phrase I heard a lot throughout the weekend. I talked to the lead medicine man and he spoke calmly and his energy was almost overwhelming. He explained to me the way the ceremony was going to go and that he was happy I was there. The night progressed and soon it was time for the ceremony. We all sat in a circle and passed around items that would cleanse us and allow our 3rd eye to be opened further.

The leader of the earth people then explained the medicine, and explained how the ceremony would progress and what to expect. He also explained how the other earth people would help us through our journey, through music, rhape and other elements meant to help. As people lined up to take their first drink, we were told to have intention as we drank so (mother) knew what we wanted/needed. I sat at the altar, and as I took the cup I whispered to myself “give me guidance.” and I drank. The effects were not immediate after about 20 mins i started purging. as i laid in my sleeping bag waiting for an intense feeling, i was instead given a small vision which I didn’t understand at first. I was greeted by a snake, it seemed to be leading me somewhere. A series of skulls flashed through my mind, then was replaced by a counter of open pill bottles splayed across the counter and pills littered the counter tops, the snake then pushed all the pills into the trashcan and immediately the skulls came back, as they flashed by in a hazy stream, the snake brought me to another figure, it was locked in a square cage that covered the whole body, kind of like the jackal from 13 ghosts but covering the whole body, it was pinned to the ground and covered in a white substance, you couldn’t make out the face or any features. We were then whisked away to an empty hollow and I was surrounded by snakes. As i sat in this hollow, looking out into an open field, i wondered why i was there, i crawled out of the hollow and took a look at my surroundings, it was some old trees gnarled looking white and old, there was a stump on the right side as you were looking at it. And then once more I was whisked away to the skulls where it brought me back to the man in the cage, this time the substance melted away and I was left standing there and the cage detached itself from its confines and I was released. The snake then told me I was to find one of the earth people named [jerrish]. I then awoke from the vision and went to reflect. I had a lot of questions but no real answers. I sought out the earth person I was looking for. We talked and we reflected. He explained to me the hollow i saw, that i was in, was the same one that his family worships.

I was in awe. He told me that the mother had shown him 2 animals, the panther and the snake. I immediately showed my tattoo of the snake and panther I had gotten years earlier in my military career. We then talked a little more and he left me to rest.

My second night (14MAR21), or the night I was reborn. That night everything was different from the way the leader of the earth people started the ceremony and the words that he spoke. My first night he said “come take a drink when you hear the sound” but this night he said, “come take a drink do not count how many you take” which i thought was strange. Once again we lined up to drink. As I kneel at the altar with the cup in my hand I whispered to myself “guide me” and I took my drink, barely a mouthful, it was different. As I walked back to my sleep to lie down I wondered what I was going to see that night. I laid down, the purge was almost immediate although I could not purge at all, then an intense feeling came over me and I started into my very intense healing.

I got up several times, to purge but nothing. I was then hit with an intense mixture of shapes and colors. I was kneeling when I was approached by one of the earth people who offered my help. But I did not recognize him, for his face had become all flesh from his eyes down. He had no mouth. I asked him to leave me and to find [jarish] he was my spirit guide. As he approached me he brought some water. I took it and looked at the man who brought it, his face morphed into a snake and he smiled. I lowered the cup “ you’ve poisoned this i will not drink” i said and i set the cup down and walked over to an open room. The tree Yggdrasil had appeared, i sat at the base and looked upon the beauty that was bestowed in front of me.i looked up and saw the branches that reached into asgard and was greeted by all the ancient warriors from past wars, they told me i was ok and that things were going to be ok and that they’ve all felt this way and it was ok to feel this way and to let go. I was greeted by some of the soldiers from my platoon that made the ultimate sacrifice, they forgave me and told me it was ok and they forgave me.i looked below and saw the roots that reached into Helheim. I looked up and I HAD BECOME ODIN and I asked to see . as I sat down in front of the well of Mimir, Munin,  had settled onto my shoulder and whispered into my ear. I was told in order to see I was to sacrifice my eye. I reached into my skull and pulled my eye from its resting place, I could feel the tendons snapping from my eye, I could hear it being pulled away and I could feel the blood run down my face. I smiled and laughed, dropping my [right] eye into the well, and laughed. I took the cup that was offered to me and I drank.

Almost immediately, I fell into a deep vision, and everything got really hot and I began shaking uncontrollably, the earth people placed a crystal into my hand and I began to exhale deeply into the crystal, and I passed out. I woke up in a very cold, dark place, I could hear the agony and cries of the people that were there. I  was terrified. I could hear people purging all around me. As I looked up I saw Hel, she was both beautiful and mortifying, I couldn’t move. I remember crying out “ oh shit”, because I was afraid. It took all the courage I had to look upon here and say “ I am stronger than you, I am not afraid.” He looked at me and began to back away towards the ceremony altar. When i returned from Hell i was greeted by my spirit guide, he was sayin “breathe breath breath” over and over, he offered me water, i took the cup and i exhaled deeply into it and i told him to drink he drank, he then passed the cup to me and i drank, i felt like i drank forever before input the cup down and fell into another vision, this time MOTHER, was near me, i could not look upon her. She took my hand and once again led me into Helheim, I immediately got cold once again.

Once again I was surrounded by darkness, and agony. I could again hear the people around me purging, I was afraid I asked my mother why she brought me and why she just left me. I looked up and saw the 3 fate sisters, Hel, and the leader of the earth, people sitting at the altar talking. Hel and the 3 sisters looked at me. A wave of fear washed over me “help me” cried a voice behind me. I looked around trying to find this voice, “where are you? Cry out again” i called hoping to find this person. An evil cackle filled the air, before I walked over to try and find the voice, my spirit guide brought me back to my mission. I immediately fell to the ground clutching my right leg in agony, the most intense pain I’ve ever felt washed through my leg, I couldn’t bear it anymore and I passed out.

I came to, with a spirit I recognized. It was an afghan that I was unable to save. I asked him what he wanted, he just looked at me and I asked what his name was. I began to emotionally purge, i begged him to forgive me, i explained i did everything i could, i again asked his name. Again another vision washed over me and I was sitting in front of Yggdrasil once again. I began seeing warriors from the 82nd I never met before, but I knew I had lost their lives. I purged harder. I wondered why I was seeing them. I looked up and was transported through the cosmos in a flash of lights and colors, Buddha appeared in front of me, he raised his right hand a flash of light, i wa suddenly hit with an epiphany “ We are all connected”, Buddha then opened his eyes, and i passed out.

I woke up staring at the darkened sky, the setting was familiar, i was once again dropped into Helheim, once again i had become the All father this time i wasn’t as afraid. As I was lying on my back observing the branches, I saw ratatoskr. He was looking upon me. I spoke to how I see you ratatoskr. spread word that ragnarok is upon us and i am going to prevent it. “He scurried off. Mother greeted me again, I looked over and saw Hel, the 3 Fate sisters and the leader of the earth people again gathered at the altar. I could only see her aura at this time, she grabbed me by the hand and led me across a bridge toward the altar. We crossed a bridge, underneath was the river Styxx, i looked upon the ferryman and mocked him “ i have no gold for you, fuck you ferryman.” I laughed as my mother guided me forward. As we crossed the bridge a man stood on the other side.

I looked up and realized it was once again the afghan I could not save. I began to purge emotionally once again, I asked to be forgiven and asked why he wouldn’t tell me his name, I was then pulled into the cosmos again and was greeted by Buddha, he looked upon me, raised his right hand once more, and the epiphany hit me. I never even bothered to learn the guy’s name, because he was the enemy I deemed it not important. This time Buddha opened his eyes, smiled upon me and said “be at peace”. I was then transported back. I awoke inside the hollow, I could see the snakes around me, I could hear them moving. I looked out of the hollow entrance and saw my spirit guide. I could feel and hear the Ikaros. I crawled out of the hollow and was greeted by my mother, I couldn’t look upon her. She was Beautiful. She was pure. I was dirty, unworthy, fullsin. I cried. She told me to look upon her and took my hand. I responded “ i am not worthy. I’ve done too many bad things. I’m tired. I’ve walked thousands of miles, I’ve carried hundreds of pounds, I’ve done bad things to people who didn’t deserve it, I’m not worthy.” she looked me in the face and responded “ I see you’re tired. You are worthy. I wash away your pain and absolve you of your sin. You are worthy. Now sleep.”

When I awoke, I had returned. I had come out of my vision. Mother was there but she wasnt mother, but one of the earth’s people. I smiled. Not a forced one. I felt clean, light. I was happy again. I didn’t feel the anxiety, or nervousness I usually get. I was relieved. I was thirsty and tired. I went to lie down in my sleeping area and went to sleep. When I awoke later on in the day. I didn’t realize it immediately, but I was, and still am pain free. No pain in my knees, back. I wasn’t angry.