I was asked what my intentions were the first time that I took the medicine.

I held a simple question in my heart, sacred and profound. I would not and could not share this question with another living soul.

Months later I still process the experience and all that has happened since. I would like to say my question was simple. Do I deserve to live? Am I worthy of love? Would the world be better off if I was not here?

I find it so easy to see the beauty in the world… to love and see the beauty in everyone and everything around me. This is both a gift and a curse that I have carried with me my whole life.

The painful truth for me is that as hard as I have tried to join the human race, I have always felt like an outsider looking in. I have learned to smile and to wear the mask that hides the lies, the tears, the angst and the refrain.

The REAL question she already knew. The answer she gave me left me confused.

“Am I the devil?” I asked, hoping for a revelation, some love and compassion.

The answer she provided has left me bewildered and confused. She spoke directly to my soul in a language I could not fully comprehend.

Now here I am with more questions than one night could answer.

She gifted me young brothers who were not even alive the day that I got off the cattle car and my head was shaved. While I served a fucked up nation, they spit up and pooped into their diapers. Wiser men than me they were, and are, and will forever be.

Ayahuasca didn’t give me revelations, she gave me a family.

I know they will love me until I learn to love myself.